MINE, YOURS; THE MARRIAGE KILLER

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Surveys identify money as one of the top issues over which couples have conflicts. Therefore, developing a couple-style of managing money is crucial to the health of a marriage. If a couple can’t work through their money issues together, the relationship will face problems of distrust, resentment and insecurity.

Since money is necessary for our well-being, it is a strong emotional issue in all of us. Tim viewed the use of money through the lens of enjoyment while Megan saw money as a means of security. Others may regard money through the lens of status, success, or a way of maintaining independence or security. None of these orientations is wrong in itself unless taken to extremes, or if one spouse refuses to consider the other’s view.

Tim and Megan can benefit from the following principles and skills as they make decisions about money matters in their marriage:
Come to the discussion with respect for your spouse’s perspective and input. Develop an attitude of an “intent to learn.” This requires a commitment to careful listening and prevents protective posturing.
Work towards a balance of views and uses of money to achieve a sense of success, security, enjoyment, and well-being. For example, Tim and Megan might elect to put $4,000 in savings and use the rest for a couple trip.
Avoid one-sided decisions. Make a budget plan and stick to it.
Remember that in marriage what is mine is yours – even gifts from a relative.
Avoid debt overload by saving and living within your means. If irresponsible spending has been an issue, set up a budget that reduces expenditures in order to get debt under control.
Remember that donations to one’s faith congregation are not meant to be leftovers, but an integral part of your budget.
Become an informed money manager couple. Reading a book or article on money issues (i.e.The Marriage Journey: Preparations and Provisions for Life Together by Linda L. Grenz & Delbert C. Glover) or taking a financial planning course together helps couples make more responsible and agreeable financial decisions.
Money matters in a marriage. When spouses take time to understand and honor each other’s perspectives on money and make wise and generous financial decisions, money becomes a bonder and not a divider in their relationship.

RISING GOOD KIDS: BACK TO FAMILY BASICS

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“The key to good living – family and otherwise – is not simply knowing what to do, but in doing what we know”

I believes that “the only secret to raising good kids is that there are no secrets.” My recommendation to parents, therefore, is to “master some basics.” Having done so, I advises them, they’ll be well on their way. For, “great family life is firmly grounded on basics.”

What Discipline Is–And Is Not

Guarendi writes, “To raise an exemplary human being, you need discipline: high expectations backed by clear consequences.” Many parents, I am certain, will welcome this book’s discussion of possible kinds of consequences to use with children.

Guarendi appears to recognize what parents find confusing about exercising discipline in consistent, caring ways. In a helpful, direct way, he analyzes not only what discipline is, but what it is not.

Parents who think that being strict means being “loud, mean or getting personal” are on the wrong track, Guarendi indicates. Yet, he says, “when love flows around and through the discipline,” it will prove hard to be too strict.

Parents are advised not to confuse “authentic discipline with its counterfeits: excess words, high volume and nasty emotions.” For Guarendi, “nagging, negotiating, threatening, yelling” are not discipline; they only produce “more words and more frustration.”

Authentic discipline is an essential, though. And if parents do not discipline their children now, the world may discipline them later, Guarendi warns. Explaining that the world out there can be harsh, he writes:

“If a child acts nasty, he sits on the couch. Brutal. If an adult acts nasty, he could get fired, punched or have to sleep on the couch in the basement.”

So in Guarendi’s view, “a loving parent is his child’s kindest, most gentle teacher about life.”

What Makes Families Work

“Time together is sometimes just time side by side,” he writes. And he believes that some of the most important and memorable conversations parents and children have will erupt spontaneously when they simply are together.

In a “go-go, do-do, run-run society,” Guarendi thinks “we have devalued the currency” of “unscheduled hours” together.

“Raising Good Kids” is packed with insights on what makes families work and what works against families. When it comes to factors that work against families, I noticed that Guarendi turned attention three times in three different areas of the book to issues surrounding the new electronic media of communication.

Readers may feel much less inclined after finishing his book to allow teens and younger children to text message anytime, anywhere, or endlessly to wear headsets around the house, or to spend excessive amounts of time playing video/computer games.

The author refers to headsets, cell-phone texting, instant messaging, social networking and various other forms of cyberspace communication as “conversation usurpers.” They will, he advises parents, “steal countless moments of real-life communication.”

In “Raising Good Kids,” parents will find ideas to use. And since its pages are few, the book undoubtedly will not seem forbidding to time-pressed parents. Furthermore, Guarendi’s considerable, personal experience as a parent of 10 should serve to shore-up his credibility with other parents on matters that concern and often worry them greatly

MARRIAGE: A STEP OF NO RETURN

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Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility.

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

MKE ALIYEACHWA AWAUZA WANAWE WAWILI NA MMOJA AMGAWA

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An Indian mother sold her three young daughters for just £2 after her drunken husband threw her out of their house.

Purnima Halder, 35, was so desperate that she could not even afford to buy the children a meal.

Poverty drove Purnima Halder to sell her three daughters

She sold the older two children, aged ten and eight, for 185 rupees (£2) and then gave her four-year-old away for free.

The incident took place in West Bengal's South 24-Parganas district.

Police rescued all the three girls after residents of Malancha village in the district's Neora locality informed them about a woman selling off her children because of poverty.

'All the three girls have been rescued after we carried out an extensive search taking Purnima along.

'We have already video-recorded her statement,' South 24-Parganas district police superintendent Praveen Tripathi said on Sunday.

'The girls are now in a shelter in the Mandirbazar area.

Purnima was thrown out of her home by her husband Uttam Halder and gave her children to three different people so that they could get the much-needed sustenance and shelter.

'She was extremely worried as it was difficult for her to provide even a square meal to them,' a senior district police officer said.

Uttam, a plumber, was arrested late on Saturday on the charges of torturing his wife and daughters.

He was produced before the Diamond Harbour court on Sunday which remanded him to 14 day judicial custody.

Purnima's second daughter was rescued along with her sisters

'We haven't arrested the people who had bought the girls as there was no complaint against them,' the officer added. 

Tripathi said Purnima might have given away her daughters to different individuals but whether she actually sold them is yet to be ascertained.

'Maybe she got some money as help after giving away her daughters, thinking of their well-being,' he said. But the police are not ruling out the poverty angle. 

'We are looking into that aspect as well,' Tripathi added. Purnima married Uttam around 12 years ago.

Last week, Uttam beat her and his three daughters and threw them out of the house.

The hapless mother took shelter at a nearby railway station and was seen begging in front of the ticket counter. 

Purnima later came in touch with a man called Prabhas, who advised her to sell off her daughters.

TRUE STORY: WHAT IT MEANS TO....BE A SINGLE FATHER

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IN SUMMARY:

He woke up one morning to the reality that his wife would not be there to mother his children anymore. And since then, Isaac Rucci has dedicated himself to being the best father and mother he can be to his daughters.

 I am a father, an artiste, businessman, emcee but most of all I am a single parent with two wonderful daughters Keza, 10, and Tona, 7. I have been since Tona was about 18 months.

How I wound up a super dad? I was married and living in the united states with my wife when we decided to come back and settle in Uganda.


At that time we had one child Keza, but within months of coming back, my wife was expectant again and we went back to the United States for the birth.

After Tona was born, my wife wasn’t too eager to come back and we worked out a plan where I would come to Uganda with the children and she would take some time alone, do something for herself for once, and join us after a few months.

The beginning of the journey
Long story short, the months came and went and then a year later, she dropped the bombshell! She was not ready to move back to Africa and well, the children were now solely my responsibility. Tona was now one-and-a-half years old and Keza around five.

My life now revolves around the two girls. I have to arrange my schedule around them and find ways of making sure they have parental love and parental presence. That means I have to be home every day at around five.

I play with them, talk to them about their day, be present as they do their homework and have dinner with them. I can go out with the boys or do any other work and social engagements after they are off to bed.

Even on particularly busy days, I make sure to dash home for at least an hour so they find me home from school. I think it is only fair that they have a parent waiting at home, since they have to live without a mother.

I woke up for nightly feedings and stayed up all night with a wailing Tona when she was younger.

The missing mum
But by far, the hardest time was when she would wake up crying for her mother. I didn’t know what to tell her and it would break my heart.

Amazingly, her older sister Keza helped her get over it. She helped us both because I would be at a loss of words at these times. She seemed to exhibit such maturity over the whole situation and patiently explained that they didn’t have a mum but they had daddy, to her little sister and it seemed to comfort the little one. It seems like she, Tona, now understands that she has the best thing one can possibly wish for, a loving available parent. She now understands and is as any other girl her age.

I have had to play an active role in my children’s life just to fill the void of growing up without their mother. My family members too, have been a great help. They surround them with warmth and attention.

I also have a nanny from heaven; she has been with us for a long time and treats the girls well.

Changing diapers and saloon trips
At first, she was amazed that I was changing diapers and bathing the children, but over time, she understood that that is who I was. I have also had to learn how to raise girls, like issues to do with their hair and other things girls, little or older care about.

I take them to the salon, know when whose hair needs retouch or treatment. I had to learn all the processes. Of course, now my girls have picked up and even know all the processes better than I do.

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